Saturday, November 14, 2009

This one is a little personal

Okay I don't or I guess hope a lot of people don't read my bolg because I'm about to get a little personal, I tend to feel better when I get my thought down and maybe someone reading this has felt the same way and can help me get through this or just give me some advice. 
(I really hope this isn't too personal) 

I have been married for about 2 1/2 months and it is a total adjustment, and I knew it would be, but it's a lot harder then I thought it would be. Kind of like my mission, I knew my mission was going to be hard but I had no idea it was going to be THAT hard. Anyway back to the present time. After being married I feel as if I'm being spread way to thin. Does anyone get what I mean? I love being married and I  love Cam so much, but I feel like I'm not giving my best to any part of my life. Now I don't want sympathy or anything I know I'm blessed and families all over the world would love to have the things I have but right now in Lori's world I'm having a hard time figuring out how exactly to be me. Now let me explain, for example school, for the last 4 semesters I have made it on the dean's list and received good grades, this semester I'm hanging on by the skin of my teeth, after coming home and attempting to do my homework my husband has the joy of being around his tired grumpy wife. I eat unhealthy, I never workout, I hardly can find time to read my scriptures and say my prayers, I know the last part is really sad coming from a return missionary that knows better. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!! I feel like I know what I need to do but the motivation to do it is not there!! I feel like the stress and busy life has taken out the fire and drive that I once had. Maybe everything isn't that bad and I'm just over re-acting or maybe in 15 years I will find my self weighing 345 pounds because I never found the motivation to get off my butt. I guess I'm scared that I will always be waiting for that motivation to come...but what if it never does? 

I look at my friends (and strangers) blogs and they seem like they have everything together and most of them have kids to add the balancing of life. Anyway this was a really personal blog and I kind of just put it out there for everyone to read but I think that it's okay to let people know that I'm not on my A game right now. I love my husband, I love my friends and family I just feel like I'm not giving the people in my life the Lori they deserve. Maybe some people read this and feel awkward and think I'm crazy but I feel the more I talk about it the more I can think and work through it. So I'm sorry if this wasn't the happy blissful blog that everyone was looking for and I will try to have one of those for you next time.